It has been a while since we last consigned a Eurovision song to the depths of Verka’s Vault. Let’s be fair though, not every corridor is dedicated to Eurovision horrors. In fact, there are wealth of classics, winners and a whole host of songs that didn’t quite make it through their respective selections that all deserve their place on the upper floors of the Vault.
Festering deep in the bowels of Verka’s Vault, however, is a grimier and more grotesque side of Eurovision. These are the dark delights that rarely see the light of day beyond March each year. They feature deluded singers who think they possess the delicate tones of Jóhanna Guðrún Jónsdóttir, when in fact they sound like a choir of Dyson vacuums choking on a penny. And then we have those singers that appear blissfully unaware that every note they sing is an octave-and-a-half off-key.
This article will feature and group together this year’s best and worst offenders from pre-selection, plus the comments section is open for your own hideous submissions.
Eurovision Missed Out:
Santiano – Fiddler On the Deck
Unser Song fur Copenhagen was a rather confusing affair compared to last year’s show. Each artist had to enter one decent song and a B-side that not only made the show longer, it was even harder to understand for non-German speakers.
Santiano not only infected the arena with their catchy Sea-Shanty, the internet was awash with support urging Germany to send Fiddler on the Deck to Copenhagen. Latvia were the last country to send a pirate/sailing influenced song back in 2008 which earned a 12th-placed finish for the Baltic nation.
In a year that was desperate for greater diversity, I think Santiano’s foot-stomping Sea-Shanty was sorely missed.
Fool Moon: It Can’t Be Over
Fool Moon’s It Can’t be Over went under my radar until watching Hungary’s live final. I was never a fan of András’ Running and found Fool Moon’s song a more engaging 3-minutes. In hindsight, I doubt they would have achieved a better result than András, but hats off to these guys for entering a unique song and stage show.
Which Notes Were You Trying To Sing?:
Das Gezeichnete Ich – Weil du da bist
Firstly, I offer my sincerest apologies to those of you who’s dogs have just scratched off their own ears.
WTF happened here? Did the producers miss the sound check? Actually, come to think of it, did Das Gezeichnete Ich miss the sound check? I’m assuming there was a day when he could sing this song. If not, why write it?
Katrine Lukins – You Are The Reason
Oh Latvia, every year you send us musical gifts to laugh at.
In this video Katrine Lukins had all the vocal prowess of a pubescent boy as she careered from one bum note to another. I was a fan of the song when I first heard the studio version, but this live performance left me open-mouthed gasping for air while trying to regain control of my laughing muscles.
The applause at the end is surely a sign of relief from crowd?
Eirošmits – If I Could (Get Away)
Latvia again now because there’s always so much material to go on!
This is down right weird, yet seems to reference Conchita Wurst with the beards and early drag queen lyric. I’m not sure on the symbolism behind the Pat Sharp wigs though.
The song isn’t the worst I’ve heard from Latvia and it does have decent vocals. It would probably do better if the audience was a half-inebriated posse at their local rock bar. Also, what’s with that platform announcement 1:10?
Dilara Kazimova – History Repeating
A more apt definition of Hell’s Kitchen from eventual Azerbaijani representative, Dilara Kazimova. Oh to be a fly on the wall in the production meeting!
How ironic for Dilara that Eurovision 2014 wasn’t a case of history repeating for the suspiciously influential Azerbaijan.
We’ll have some more songs coming soon!