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Our Predictions For 2014

Most publications, whatever their theme, have published lists of predictions for the coming year in a variety of fields. We’re no different here at ESCtips. ScandieAndy has dusted off his crystal ball in order to see what 2014 has in store for Eurovision.

  • Lauri Mikkola wins Finland’s UMK 2014 with Going Down, thereby becoming Finland’s representative in Copenhagen. Upon hearing the news, Graham Norton faints with excitement when he realises the innuendo potential in the song’s title.
  • Just as last year, the UK becomes the last country to pick its representative. “After Bonnie Tyler’s poor showing last year, it was clear it was time to end our experiment with youth,” says a BBC spokesperson. The British entry, it is announced, will be We’ll Meet Yet Again by 97-year-old Dame Vera Lynn. “She’s massive in Armenia,” says the spokesperson. In the event Dame Vera breaks a record in Copenhagen, becoming the first act to get a minus score. The Daily Mail cites it as further proof that Europe hates the UK. UKIP leader Nigel Farage is equally angry, stating that “without Dame Vera, we’d all be speaking German”.
  • Claims that Eurovision is getting slightly predictable are borne out after 28 of the 36 entries are written by Swedish songwriting teams, including 15 by Thomas G:son and Peter Boström. Their entries include Armenia’s Will This Do?, Cyprus’s Here’s Another One and Georgia’s Let’s Give This One To Georgia.
  • After the success of Petra Mede’s Swedish Smörgåsbord, a song-and-dance number mocking Swedish culture and customs, during the interval of the 2013 contest, Danmarks Radio announces that their interval act will be along the same lines. Sure enough, it turns out to be a five-minute song-and-dance number mocking Swedish culture and customs. A DR spokesperson says “It’s always best to stick to what you know best. And we love mocking the Swedes.”
  • Sadly for the 2014 contest, another vote-fixing scandal rears its ugly head. Azerbaijan tops the televoting in every single country, despite the fact that the country forgot to enter a song. An Azeri spokesman denies that this is strange, saying “our silence was a lot more meaningful than Ukraine’s Tick Tock, for example”. The EBU are said to be investigating the matter, although no firm evidence is found of any wrongdoing.
  • After years of disappointing results, the United Kingdom announces its withdrawal from the Eurovision Song Contest. Following Turkey’s example, the BBC decides to launch its own competition, the Britvision Song Contest. England are big favourites to win the first one, held in December, but in the event we come last, beaten by (among others) the Isle of Man, the Falkland Islands, South Georgia, Sark, Alderney, Guernsey, St Helena and the uninhabited island of Rockall. The Daily Mail cites it as further proof that Britain hates England.
  • There are changes at ESCtips.com, as ScandieAndy announces his departure from the site, citing “irreconcilable musical differences”. Gavster continues ESCtips as before and no-one notices the difference. ScandieAndy launches a rival site, obscureeurovisionsongsfromtheseventies.com. In the first month, the site receives seventeen visitors. ScandieAndy immediately announces the site’s closure, saying he is “unable to cope with the pressures of fame”.


About ScandieAndy

Editor, Eurovision Historian & Scandinavian Expert.    I’m a London-based translator born a few months after ABBA won in Brighton. I’m gifted with a brain full of miscellaneous useless pieces of Eurovision information. My long-suffering wife tolerates this and many of my anti-social foibles.

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