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Gerry Logan: The Big Five Review (with Azerbaijan)

Hello again amigos and amigettes. *moustache of salutations*

If I was to tell you my moustache has taken on a slightly red tinge and aroma of Dolmio stir-in-sauce, it might provide some clue as to who my favourite of the big five is this year. My heart, my soul, my moustache, my glasses, my buttocks, my ears, eyes, nose and toes have gone Italia crazy. Such is my adulation for this glorious woman, I’ve written her a poem. “Nina Zilli, Nina Zilli, drop yer pants, get on my willy.” Touching. Mmm hmm. So, where better to begin than with my beautiful, whore faced, lady of Italy.

Nina Zilli – L’Amore È Femmina (Out Of Love) (Italy)gerry-big5

The moment I heard the raspy, sexy, sax intro followed by her mighty “Boom, boom, boom!” I was in love. Seldom has the opening 20 seconds or so of a song moistened my floral underpants to such a degree. I felt dirty and I liked it (boom boom boom is the sound I hear when I take my underpants off incidentally haha, think about it, I’m saying I have gigantic genitals).

What we have here is a song and performer so overloaded with oomph and class it’s almost unbearable. It’s a modern sound and performance with retro-classic foundations and more enjoyable to dance to than most dance songs. The Russian GILFs make the foot tap and head nod whereas Nina has me ferociously swinging my plump ass left, right and in massive, seductive, circles. Beware Gerry’s circle of seduction whilst this Italian song is on full blast. Even light cannot escape.

Is it a contender for top spot I hear you ask? In a word, OMFG YES!! Many merchants of doom will try to convince you a song with such an early draw (10th) cannot win and will gleefully thrust statistics in your eyes to prove their point. Gerry Logan however only respects one statistic: I am bloody amazing and correct 95%+ of the time. A song and artist this good can win from any position. In fact, she could perform a week before everyone else in a fetal position and still win. I predict a standing ovation from many a willy for dear Nina Zilli. Gargantuan amounts of quality to please the juries and a, quite frankly, marvelous song, brilliantly performed and bursting with energy to entice the televote crowd (awaken the zombie hordes).

Would I recommend backing Italy to win though at the current best odds of  9.0? Very tough question. Very, very. My face would probably shy away from such a recommendation but my moustache, also a veteran of this contest, would possibly whisper in your ear while my face wasn’t looking, “Give it a wee go…” If you happened to get on early at juicy odds then bravo, well done, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

Whatever the outcome, I feel Italy have gone far beyond the usual quality levels of Eurovision and would most certainly be worthy winners.  Chubby ass wobbling brilliance!

Gerry & ‘tash Italy rating: 9.2/10 


Engelbert Humperdinck – Love Will Set You Free (United Kingdom)

If there’s one thing worse than a wrinkly old fart commenting on Eurovision, it’s a wrinkly old fart commenting on a wrinkly old fart performing in Eurovision. Let me be clear, I am in no way ageist. Old people are ok in my book (I love that Jerry Sadowitz joke: “all old age pensioners should be shot at birth”) but I think Eurovision should be more focused on fresh talent or certainly, younger. New, fresh, creative, interesting, different. The Hump, a career spanning over 140 years (he of course earned the nickname ‘The Hump’ due to being a giant tortoise of Galapagos), has had his time in the limelight; shuffle aside big man and let the kids take to the stage. The UK has no shortage of up-and-coming talent in my humble opinion but you wouldn’t think it when it comes to Eurovision. *sad moustache*

I’ve been finding him almost painful to watch to be brutally honest. Like watching myself “self massage” in the ceiling mirror. Watching him isn’t quite as painful as listening to him however. The song itself is so slow and uninteresting with enough sickly sweet Walt Disneyness running through it to make my gentle ears spew vomit, violently.  The beginning promises something potentially close to pleasant but even before it hits 30 seconds I want him to spontaneously combust. That would be interesting at least and would maybe draw some more passion from his performance. “If… you… love… some…. one…. follow… your…. FIRE EXTINGUISHER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”

The odds on offer for a UK victory I have to say are even more pathetic than the song. As short as 10.0 I see – worthy of a belly chortle in my opinion. Jurors may well be tempted to throw a few sympathy points at him (rather than their underwear) and there may be one or two Hump fans among the audience who will find the mind numbing slowness perfectly suited to the processing capability of their decaying brains but there are simply too many songs ahead of this in 2012. At least 40.

Now, to cheer myself up having just re-listened to this awful entry, I’m imagining Engelbert cage fighting the Russian GILFs one by one in an arena of death. I’d take 9/1 on the Hump there but not here. Shuffling on, slowly…

Gerry & ‘tash UK rating: 3.7/10 

Roman Lob – Standing Still (Germany)

Ich liebe dich? That is the question I keep asking myself when listening to this young man. Initially all I could think about was the fact he’s standing still. And standing still. A lot. He often wears a funny woolly hat too and big earrings. Presumably these little hats are cool among the youths and the earrings are a display of his feminine, Amazonian tribesman side. No problem. Eurovision songs are rarely judged on headwear/ear ornaments alone. Those were the main thoughts running through my mind on first, second listen. A woolly hat, standing still. I should also mention the fact my moustache and I wanted to punch him in the larynx. Whine, whine, standing still, whine whine, woolly hat, whine, ears, whine.

Now, you’re probably thinking that opening paragraph is slightly negative and you’d be right. Third listen though, everything changed. I was no longer distracted by his relentless standing still, ear bolts and funny hat. I was simply enjoying the song for what it was: a quite mainstream, professionally produced and decently performed, boy-ballad. It’s nice. It’s pleasant. My moustache sways gently throughout. A happy sway. There’s very little wrong with this effort from Germany overall. Nice piano too. Everyone likes a nice piano.

So, it’s all pleasant enough without really ever reaching a point of being superb or mind blowingly wonderful. There’s no soul punching here. We’re in gentle brain tickling territory and brain ticklers are hard songs to call. Best odds currently 34.0 and I’d have to say “Nein!” to that. Challenging a top 4 spot genuinely wouldn’t surprise me as there are many things I like about it but I don’t think it’s going to happen. There are a lot of good songs out there this year with more realistic chances of filling the top spots ahead of Germany I feel.

Top 10 then perhaps? Could be interesting. It’s odds against at time of writing and with a lovely draw in the final (20th), in with a shout. That’s both my face and moustache talking incidentally. A better song than Lena’s 10th placed effort last year I believe (less televote appeal perhaps). It’s not a great bet but it’s certainly a bet from a great moustache. That counts for something. Marching on…

Gerry & ‘tash Germany rating: 6.8/10 

Pastora Soler – Quédate Conmigo (Stay With Me) (Spain)

Eurovision is a cruel mistress, constantly pushing songs into my ears, screaming at me to “Judge this biatch, ho!”. Bad songs hurt but the task of separating a big lovely bunch of nice songs is even a little hurtier. Spain’s is a nice song with a nice vocalist and this may hurt. Let the judging commence!

Twinkly piano sets the scene, lovely voice begins, cello sneaks in to warm the heart, a few drums appear, the power picks up, she begins to throw herself into it, veins popping, drums, bass, I think I even detect a touch of rock guitar in here. On paper, it has everything a Gerry and ‘tash could ask for in Eurovision terms. Why then do I feel slightly underwhelmed by it all? Is it a soul puncher? Hmmm, not quite there. It’s more, just bouncing off the Gerry chub without penetrating.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot here to enjoy and the beginning in particular almost has me welling up but by the end I feel it hasn’t quite delivered. *uncertain moustache* Perhaps it’s all just too nice. Somewhere along the 3 minute line I think I’d like her to get a little dirty and kinky with me. Play with me a bit. Show me something weird; something I’ve never seen before. Surprise me. Make me gasp. Treat my brain like the sah-lut it is, if even for a fleeting moment. Yes, you’re vocally excellent and the song is nice but the Gerry & ‘tash want more. We’ve been here, seen it, done it, got the T-shirt and the Graham Norton print underpants.

Apparently my main issue then is that I feel it’s a little too standard, same old, Eurovision ballad and my mind keeps wandering back to Jade Ewen and the UK in 2009. Technically excellent but underwhelming overall. A tad unfair that comparison as I believe this Spanish song is superior and the vocal is as good. The feeling I’m left with is similar though. Emotional resonance is the magical ingredient when it comes to a Eurovision ballad and it’s not here for me. Tears threaten to form but are quickly overcome by the remnants of my Dolmio pasta sauce overdose slowly oozing from my eyeballs and the goosebumps are weak and lethargic.

Treat her rough Gerry! No. There’s too much I like about this entry although not necessarily from a betting perspective. Odds between 15.0-29.0 currently – nothing to whet the appetite of the mighty moustache there but I have to confess, 2.25 for the top 10 is almost catching the eye of my glasses. It has decent jury support potential being one of the more impressive vocalists this year. Televote appeal though? I don’t think so. Not massively. That could be a problem but no shock to see this tickle the top 10. I’m going to stick my moustache out in fact and say it’ll finish 10th. Ish. Flamencoing on…

Gerry & ‘tash Spain rating: 7/10 

Anggun – Echo (You And I) (France)

Every year it feels like the French bring forth a real Gerry moustache tickler (if we can forget the horror of 2011 and the big, funny hair, face and voice man). They know how to make my feet move and my head bob with enthusiasm. My ears can taste fresh, fragrant, delights of France and she is one foxy little dame.

Granted, there’s nothing cutting edge here or particularly original or stand-out. It’s quite simple, catchy, upbeat and with a cheeky little whistle lifted from the X-Files and trained to accompany Anggun’s pleasurable tune. Uh.. uh… sorry. I have to take the occasional break to just sit and stare at her. Possibly the most lickable mammal I’ve ever seen. Uh… oooo. Mmmm.

Tons about this song I enjoy or at least enjoyed until it all started to go slightly wrong. Live vocal. My ears detected some stuggles taking place. I’m unconvinced her usually sweet and technically ok voice is cut out for this song. At times she’s been almost dreadful at certain points; the most challenging points. Although not quite enough to ruin my enjoyment of this fun little number it’s certainly enough to make her unbackable in any meaningful capacity. Shame. Still bloody lickable though.

Long story short, I enjoy the song and I enjoy her but it’s difficult to see France doing much of note this year so it’s probably best if you move along. Or “self massage” along as I am, right now. Doity Gerry…. *moustache of scorn*

Gerry & ‘tash France rating: 6.2/10 (7+ for the studio version)

Sabina Babayeva – When The Music Dies (Azerbaijan)

Finally, Azerbaijan; the 6th of our automatic qualifiers and one of the most interesting entries this year for Gerry ‘n’ ‘tash as we’ve twisted, turned, laughed, cried, cheered; every conceivable emotion at some point, we’ve experienced with this biatch. From the sublime to the ridiculous and back to something resembling sublime.

Song: jolly good. Liked it from the first listen and my veteran ear lobes throbbed upon recognising a hefty splodge of potential contained within a suitably beefy sound. It’s what I would refer to as a power ballad. *moustache of concurrence* It goes for the jugular while gently prodding the testicles. Suitably oomphy and apparently performed by a talented vocalist. Excellent so far. Suddenly a live performance found it’s way into my quite sensitive  ears and my twisty, turny, journey began.

Fury erupted from the moustache of Gerry’s face. What I detected was a vocalist who fancied herself as possessing the greatest throat and lungs combo in the history of entertainment. Basically, a show off. I have to confess I quickly began to despise her and her vocal style and even began to fantasise about vigorously punching her in the hair. With a concrete slab-glove.

More clips found their way to me. Good, bad, decent, woeful, ordinary, weird… I decided to never go near another video of this woman “performing” as long as I lived as she was literally torturing me. *moustache wilt* Fast forward to rehearsals and moustache of delighted surprise! She blew my floral underpants clean off. She sounded great, she looked fabulous and the song thrilled. The end.

Almost the end. Azerbaijan loving is actually not such a bad thing on paper as they tend to carry considerable weight in the land of the televoter people so when they bring us a relatively decent song too, adding some potential jury points power, a plan comes together and we love it when a plan comes together. *moustache twiddle* Gerry Logan’s face, ‘tash and internal organs tingle slightly in anticipation of a decent finishing position for Azerbaijan. Top 4 is realistic. Bet accordingly.

Oh! One issue remains which I can overlook as it’s unimportant, is her pronounciation of “When the music dies”. It sounds like “Wendy moozy dice”. We’ll live with that. *moustache bow of leaving*

Gerry & ‘tash Azerbaijan rating: 8.1/10

About Gavster

Owner & Chief Editor   I’m a qualified designer and the official geek in the crew, dedicating most of my free time to keeping the ESCtips show on the road. My family routes allow me to support the UK, Ireland and Italy.

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